Today was a big day for me, it was actually the day my sanity was saved. After sitting around for 2 months your mind starts wandering to places you didn’t really know existed. You didn’t ever think that you would feel that exhausted when you all you ever did was sleep, not because you felt exhausted physically but mentally you didn’t even want to be awake to hear the screams inside your head.
See, I got wrapped up along the way with someone I thought cared about my life and my future, my feelings, my needs & wants.. But it was all just another nightmare that I was living. I turned to this person when I was at a desperate time and had noone else. I thought things would be great but I had too much time on my hands and only found fault with the situation. When is that ever me to sit around and just hate something so much yet still feel so attached? I would cry myself to sleep on the floor hoping the train would muffle out my tears echoing throughout the dark silent room. I prayed it was going to get better, and it didn’t..
it was only temporary-this surreal place with laughing kids and gramas snacks & the shopping trips that would mask both our shattered hearts.. I knew within a few weeks I would have to pull it together for the returning of my parents to glue the pieces back together of the family that had gone from 5 to 3 in a matter of a week.
I sit here and wonder why would you text me today after 3 months. a picture of your face covered in pink polka dots the ones i remember seeing when we were little with your mascara dripping down your face, why today? when something good is finally coming my way that i’ve worked so hard for when you are now a dropout- what am i supposed to think? it hurts.
and to know i was right all along about a boy that watched me loose my fucking mind on sunday, the pills were right there and trust me the only reason i didn’t take a few when you walked out right in front of my eyes was because I knew neither of you fucks deserve any room for the knife to dig deeper.
I’m still here for myself, grandma, & mom. Call me selfish but i don’t care I’m wondering why the fuck so many horrible things are being thrown at 2 such strong people that got were drown in the one too many beers that would leave bruises all over, and did everything in that moment to get away from the poison, 7 years ago.
8:18 pm and I’m going to bed now just so I can feel numb again.